65 degrees and it's Jan.2nd.....honey, open up the door

I've spent the morning sweeping and vacuuming. I still need to wipe paw prints off the back door. It's kind of refreshing to clean the entry ways into the house. Stepping out to the sidewalk and looking at the house sometimes fills me with wonder. I always say I am blessed with my life and what I have. Guilt prevails if I allow a moment to feel sorry or sad. Sometimes I just feel sad and out of sorts because I can't name the source of my sadness. I shouldn't want "more" or "different" than what I have or so I'm inclined to think. I sometimes wonder if it's because I never felt secure as a child.
I'm trying to sort all this out as I live in this new year. Keeping busy helps ease my restless mind. I'm influenced in trying to make a house a home by the FLYLADY website. She encourages all to take baby steps and love ourselves.
I suppose the fact that my husband and daughter, pug and deaf cat feel loved and nurtured, secure and safe are my consolation. I'm a provider.
In my thinking I allow myself to go back in time. A lot of the time it's back to pioneer days and I think about women and what they had to do without. I mean I know they didn't realize they were doing without running water and an electric stove. Washing machines, vacuum cleaners, over the counter medicenes, hair dryers and light fixtures are things I am conscience of having. I'm thankful for the fact I can go out to the market, in a car, not far from home. When I'm feeling down I think about these things they had to do without. I don't know why I limit it to pioneer days. Maybe it's because when America started. If I were of a different culture I'd think back to even more difficult times in history. So as an effort to love myself and who I am I need to figure out (or seem to think I do) why my life has been the way it's been.
I'm reading a wonderful book " The World's Easiest Guide to Understanding God"....and like all books I start like this, when I get near the end it becomes harder to grasp the concepts of living right now. My sister in law gave me a great book this past summer, " Breaking the Cycle of Hurful Family Relationships" whle the beginning chapters were very helpful it got muddy towards the end. Am I resistant to changes that need to be made in my life? Is that why I can follow the basics of FLYING, but can't get much further than that? Am I that impatient? Why do I get discouraged? Why am I not at peace with myself? Would drugs or medication help? What am I looking for? I could cry when I feel like this.
Well, a storm is brewing outside....I better get those doors wiped off and shut. The breeze has been nice on this winter's day. I'm going to make something to eat and go to work this afternoon. Even though it's work, sometimes when I get out of the house it helps to get my mind off such pressing (de-pressing) matters.